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Dec 23, 2023

Police Scotland beards: Cops care more about fashion than safety

Uibhisteachs are calling for a change of management at CalMac. The lack of care by the Scottish Government is causing mayhem. Show them the door.

For four years on the trot I correctly predicted in this column the winner of Britain's Got Talent.

I looked for the wow moments and compared them. Readers were impressed. Neighbours wanted to know the next lottery numbers.

So confident was I about my talent, I thought about applying for BGT. "Tonight, Simon, I am going to predict who will win this heat and the final."

Then I lost it. Too many cute kids with the aww factor. Now I think my ah factor has returned.

The second sight – an dàrna sealladh, as we call it in Gaelic – is with me once more.

I knew Norwegian Viggo Venn was going to win. No question. The hair, the energy, the hi-vis vests – which he overnight turned from being the boring accessory of road workers, harbour workers and even cops, into a stage prop for skipping around a stage.

Inexplicably funny, barmy, goofy but clever. Viggo hardly speaks any English. The best visual comedy cuts through all barriers including language.

Even Mrs X has to wear a hi-vis vest for photography. So, after Viggo's win, she is now in fashion.

So I, too, am going to wear a hi-vis vest in the office. In fact, like Viggo, I will wear six.

What do you mean I’ll have to lose a few pounds first? Meanwhile, Viggo wins £250,000 and sponsorship deals from hi-vis vest manufacturers.

Whether wearing hi-vis or not, Scotland's police officers are fighting the order to get rid of their scruffy beards and they’re being very grumpy about it.

No one particularly likes to be ordered to do anything but there seems to be a lot more trendy cops now who simply care more about being fashionable than to be safe wearing face masks that need to form be airtight seal on bare skin.

Not everyone will understand the cops’ reasoning.

Not everyone will understand why anyone would want to go 240 miles out into the Atlantic, clamber onto Rockall and beat the previous 42-day record for staying on in big winds, big waves and big doubts about your own sanity.

I’d want to do that, of course, but it's just that I am kind of busy. So it's just as well that Chris "Cam" Cameron has time. He's out there now.

A dad of two, Cam grew up in Buckie and spent much of his time on oil tankers. He later joined the Army as a regular infantry soldier and was six years with the Gordon Highlanders.

Even if he is bilingual, Cam currently has no one to talk to. The previous record was set by Nick Hancock nine years ago.

Nick did 42 days but knocked it on the head when a fierce storm blew up and knocked a few barrels of his stores into the briney. To pass the time, Cam could learn seagull.

People on Uist also should have someone to get action over the latest ferry fiasco – but no one is listening.

The service from Lochboisdale is off for much of June. They took to the streets – OK, the causeways – on Sunday in a massive protest the like of which has not been seen down there for decades.

Mainlanders can be very thick and don't understand why it's such an issue. The closest ferry is from North Uist. It does not go to Oban but to Skye.

The distances and the timings of these sailings make life very difficult. Uibhisteachs are calling for a change of management at CalMac. My own view is that it's the lack of care by the Scottish Government that's causing mayhem. Show them the door.

Speaking an additional language can open doors for you. Whether your other language is French, German, or Cockney rhyming slang, they all can be handy at times.

I know that because when I was in Scalpay recently I got told of an English lady living somewhere on the Isle of Lewis.

Let's just call her Mrs Smythe. That's not her real name as I wish to avoid embarrassment.

One of her two dogs died. Poor Poppy was no more. She asked her neighbour, let's call her Mrs Macleod, who was a church member to put up a prayer for the departed mutt.

Mrs Macleod was no fan of dogs, but agreed. She mumbled a few words at the end of the garden. Mrs Smythe was very grateful and thanked her neighbour warmly for her kind words of which she understood not a jot.

It's probably just as well. What Mrs Macleod actually said was: "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Thank you, Lord, for what you sent us in Poppy and which you have now taken away. And I hope the other one won't be far behind her."

Iain Maciver is a former broadcaster and news reporter from the Outer Hebrides

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